GOODBYE 2025

Hello Stranger,

I hope you are ready for the New Year.

It has only been a few days since my last article and, honestly, I feel a bit speechless right now, with my mind feeling blank and no clear idea of what I should be writing about.

I suppose I could reflect on how 2025 has been, although if I am completely honest, I do not really know how to describe it. There was nothing particularly memorable about this year, except for the fact that I finally started archery, something I had been dreaming about for years.

Even though I only started towards the end of the year, I can safely say it has been the highlight of 2025, so I thought I would dedicate a longer paragraph to it.

I forgot to mention in my last article that I passed the beginner’s course and I am now, apparently, an independent archer, shooting barebow, which might sound self-explanatory to some. With all the different types of bows out there, though, barebow is basically the stripped-down version of a recurve bow.

I could have continued training with a recurve bow, which comes with extra elements meant to improve precision, like a sight for aiming and stabilisers to steady the bow. While I actually liked the sight and the stabiliser, I absolutely disliked the finger tab, which is the small piece of protective equipment you wear on the hand you draw the string with.

With barebow, it felt more comfortable, but for recurve, it felt clunky and awkward. I might have had the wrong size, but it was a bigger piece, maybe hard plastic or metal, with something meant to separate your fingers so you shoot using the split finger technique, and I found it distracting because I kept having to adjust it before every shot.

The other thing I struggled with was the anchoring position, which is where you bring the string and your fingers before releasing the arrow. With this type of bow, the string is supposed to touch your nose, and I have also seen people anchor it to their chin at the same time. I found this distracting to have the string right in front of my eyes, and eventually decided to switch back to barebow, where the anchoring position is slightly different and more comfortable for me. While my shots were much stronger with the recurve, my main goal at the time was to pass the final assessment of the beginner’s course with little distractions, which meant shooting from 18 metres, something I had only practised twice.

To make things even better, I was also having a bad day. The first arrow I shot literally came back towards me from the force, which was kind of cool, but I know myself well enough to know that once a day starts badly, my focus is off, and my aim definitely suffers. Still, in the last three minutes of the session, I managed to hit all the targets I needed and passed.

Now I am considered an independent archer, which means I can book sessions without a coach, buy my own equipment, move to a traditional archery club if I want to, and start learning other bows or simply keep improving my barebow skills.

Unfortunately, I will need to move to a traditional club simply because it is closer to me.

My current club is indoors and does not require archery insurance, but on a bad day, it can take up to two hours to get there when the trains are not running properly, which has happened more than once. Add another two hours to get back, and it quickly becomes very time-consuming.

The downside of a traditional club is that it is not very flexible, as most seem to be open only once or twice a week, and, if everything is outdoors, bad weather, which is far too common in London, can mean no shooting at all. On top of that, I will need to pay for a yearly membership and insurance, and if I do not buy my own equipment, I will also have to pay every time I rent it, which is quite annoying.

I already bought a barebow for home practice, which uses soft arrows with suction tips so they just stick to the target. It is not a toy, but a proper bow that can also be used with regular arrows as well, and it is quite powerful, with a 26-inch draw length, actually stronger than some of the bows I have used at the club so far.

At the club, I am still trying to figure out the right measurements for my future bow.

Draw length matters because it affects power and speed, as a longer draw length stores more energy and makes the arrow fly faster, and the size of the bow also needs to be appropriate for my height. I want to be sure of these measurements because buying my own equipment is an investment, and I would like to use the same bow for barebow and, later on, to try recurve again.

I love archery, and I definitely want to keep practising and becoming a better archer.

I hope my explanations are not confusing, as my archery terminology still needs some work, but I tried to keep things simple.

So yes, archery has been the highlight of my year, and I only wish I had started earlier.

It does cost a bit, but honestly, I do not work just to pay bills and send money to my family. I deserve this!

I am really trying to think about what else happened this year, but I feel like I dissociated for most of it because, honestly, all I seem to have done is work.

I already covered all the work nonsense in my last article, and it is already so exhausting to keep talking about it. So much stress, basically for nothing, and no promotion in the end.

One good thing, though, is that I finally restarted my medical investigations. It has been very time-consuming, and I am genuinely thankful that I have private health insurance because I seriously doubt I would have managed to get so many things checked in such a short period of time otherwise.

I had a few MRIs done this year, and I also saw a jaw specialist at the beginning of the year, mainly to confirm that it was not all in my head. As it turns out, I do indeed have TMJ and TMD.

TMJ, or temporomandibular joint, is the joint that allows your jaw to move. TMD, or temporomandibular disorder, is the condition that affects this joint and the muscles around it. It can cause jaw pain, clicking or popping sounds, headaches, and difficulty chewing or opening your mouth, and it is often linked to stress, injury, or poor posture.

This started slowly on the right side years ago, but over the past five years, everything has gotten worse. It is now affecting both sides, and there were several moments when I was genuinely scared my jaw might lock completely. The clicking sounds sometimes feel and sound like something is breaking, and they are loud enough that other people can hear them too, which is incredibly annoying.

I was told it might get worse over time, but that there is nothing to be done because surgery could make it worse, so I should simply get used to it. It is always so easy to tell someone who is in pain to just get used to it!

I also saw a jaw physiotherapist for a few sessions, and every time I went, I dreaded it because the pain was intense. It would shoot straight to my head, and my jaw muscles were already tight and inflamed, so many of my migraines are definitely influenced by this, along with my questionable sleep.

My neck and shoulders are also part of the problem. Every time the physiotherapist tried any exercises, he told me how tense I was.

Of course, I am tense! Work is stressful when you constantly feel like you are not doing well enough and keep pushing yourself without proper rest. On top of that, I sit down most of the day in front of multiple screens, and more often than not, I sit like a shrimp.

I was told that my last resort could be masseter botox to help release some of the pressure, while I continue to be mindful and do the daily exercises.

In the end, last month, I decided to try it, and it has made a noticeable difference.

It cannot stop the constant clicking, but my face feels more relaxed. It is pricey, but worth it! It needs to be redone every couple of months, so definitely a constant long-term investment!

I am also pretty convinced this got worse because I kept my mouth shut for far too long in an attempt to be nice and keep the peace, instead of unleashing my Romanian personality on people who seriously needed to be slapped a few times. Actually, scratch that. I should have thrown a chair at them!

I do not think this has been a good year in many ways. I have had so many moments where I kept wondering what the point of all of this is, of all the struggle and stress, of yet another year that feels exactly the same.

I feel so behind sometimes. I know comparison is poisonous, but I want more from life, and I keep feeling like I have been postponing things that I wanted and needed because the everyday struggle of building something, anything, that could get me out of survival mode was the main priority for so many freaking years!

Waiting all week for the weekend to arrive, only to spend most of those limited hours doing chores, studying, or doing absolutely nothing productive because you are completely drained, is not how I want to keep living!

I want to look forward to something, to feel excited about something, not dread Mondays this much. Even most of the work I am doing feels meaningless. Many of those projects pretty much are, so I just focus on finishing them, and that is it.

I do not want to be in pain every single day anymore. I want to have hobbies again, I want to make more memories, and I do not want to keep telling myself I will try things next time, or when I am in a better place in life, because time keeps flying, and you suddenly realise you are still in the same place.

My biggest fear is that I do not know if I will ever feel fully happy, content, and safe, and that thought is more terrifying than many others. I have far too many moments when I wish I were a simpler person, yet it seems complicated is my middle name. Perhaps I am a walking paradox!

Everywhere I go, I feel like an outsider, always trying to escape my life in some way. I think about moving to a new place where nobody knows me, learning a new skill, upgrading myself, or even disappearing. I have no place I can truly call home, and I am constantly thinking about moving to another country and starting over. It is exhausting to never feel like you belong anywhere!

I read so much these days because escapism has become a coping mechanism. I genuinely cannot go even one day without reading, and I could easily spend an entire day with a book without noticing time passing. Some weekends I actually do, because I need it.

There are no expectations of me when I am reading. I can take a break from everything and immerse myself in a completely different world.

I think I read around fifty books this year, which does not feel like nearly enough now that I think about it, even though many of them were close to a thousand pages long.

Do you see my point? While I wanted to focus on a more positive reflection of this year, I can feel that I need to make quite a few changes in my life to make sure 2026 is different.

I want to focus on myself and on giving myself what I actually want. I want to travel more, because London is depressing. I want to read even more books, attend book events, and meet people who love reading as much as I do. I want to stop constantly dimming my femininity and always choosing the simplest, safest version of things.

I want to finally have those long-overdue knee surgeries and then work out like I used to, to feel strong again, to see muscle definition on my body, and to regain my flexibility.

I want to start wearing dresses again. I want my nails to be beautifully manicured, black and burgundy, my favourite colours after all. I want my makeup to be exactly what I have always wanted but avoided: black smokey eyeliner and dark red lips.

I want to be more of the person I have always dreamed of being instead of constantly watering myself down.

I want to start playing guitar again, and this time learn the electric one because it sounds so good and fits my taste in music perfectly. At the same time, I want to play piano too, because it feels soothing. They feel like two opposite poles, and I need both in my life.

Manifesting my inner Katherine Pierce in 2026, and if you get the reference, you have excellent taste.

Manifesting more f*ck you and f*ck this in 2026, exactly how it should have always been, because my health taking hit after hit is not worth it!

I am so angry all the time, and the anger is so strong it’s almost palpable.

Even my mother called me ruthless a few months ago, and oh mama, I have not been like that until now, but I definitely will be from now on.

The good girl act exhausts me. It is not who I am. Yes, I am kind, and I do try to be nice, but that is very different from constantly wearing the good girl mask.

I have been forced to mould myself into this version of me just to survive, and it has been ingrained so deeply that all I want now is to break free.

I do not want to wear a polite smile on my face when someone is getting on my nerves, and I do not want to say something else instead of what I actually think just because I might be seen as too direct or confrontational. So what? People take advantage of good, quiet, accommodating people because they assume you have no boundaries and cannot stand up for yourself.

It is time to let my Romanian side show more, because when she speaks, she puts people in their place and does not soften her voice or make it girly while doing so. I know she is very real, because every time I am back in Romania, she comes out to play, but she is here to stay now. Locking her away was my mistake.

For years, this has felt like a cage, and I have been desperately trying to break free from it. I can feel the cracks now, and it is slowly falling apart.

That is my ultimate goal: to be unapologetically me!

I am ready to leave this year behind, and no more self-betrayal next year!

I hope your 2025 was better than mine, and may 2026 bring you everything you want.

May it be filled with an abundance of love, happiness, good health, and peace of mind.

Thank you, once again, for reading my thoughts and for all of you who sent me such beautiful messages over Christmas. While I am not able to reply right now, I want you to know how much they mean to me.

You, my dear stranger, mean so much to me, and so does this blog. I would not be here without you reading, supporting, and believing in me.

Sending you many warm virtual hugs and wishing you a happy New Year.

May 2026 be kinder to all of us!

With lots of love,

A.

I love this song and this band, hope you enjoy it as well: https://youtu.be/4a8CogWA3-Y?si=xH9Astk2XZFS7E0w

I found this picture recently being shared around. I do not know who created it, so I cannot give credit, but it feels like it perfectly sums up how the last five years have been.